I am a very confident woman. I intimidate many people just simply by being me. I love and hate this about myself. I cannot count the number of people who tell me, “I was scared of you when I first met you,” or “I never thought you could be this nice.” I have no idea what makes me appear to be stern, bitchy, or whatever other words people use to describe me. However, I am indeed a walking dichotomy – hard on the outside, soft on the inside. I am nothing if not consistent, so my kids have a similar assessment of me and my personality as pretty much everyone I meet. That said, they seem to respond very well to me, especially when it comes to discipline, so it got me thinking if that was because they were intimidated or because I was a balance of sweet and salty? And which side should I and do I lean into more often when it comes to parenting? Which is more effective - soft chewy center or hard candy shell? It drove me to the age old Machiavellian question, “Is it better to be loved or feared?”.
I took a few themes from Machiavelli’s The Prince, courtesy of Cliff’s Notes, and looked at them through the lens of parenting, hoping to answer the question myself. Now, let me be clear that I do not consider myself royalty nor do I see my household as my kingdom. We have a finished basement, not a dungeon. I do, however, see my husband and I as the leaders of our home and the desire for our children to follow that lead, at least until they are 18, paramount.
Cruelty vs Mercy
“It is no use to be merciful if by doing so, a prince allows disorder in his state to get out of control. A controlled amount of cruelty, which harms a few, can avert widespread violence and lawlessness, which harms many. Machiavelli is careful not to advocate cruelty for cruelty's sake. He warns the prince not to constantly injure his subjects, because this will make him hated. Instead, he must be cruel only when necessary to avoid greater wrongs.”
I don’t condone cruelty to children, but let’s modify the definition a bit in this context. Let’s think of cruelty as sternness and mercy and being easygoing. I would have to agree with sternness here. I do believe that being easygoing always has the potential to set a precedent that is hard to shake. It gives the punished a point of reference where you were nicer and if you have more than one child, it gives the other child(ren) the right to say, “But, when ______ had friends over without asking she just got spoken to, not punished.” You never want the comparison of punishments.
You also can always dial back sternness, but once you are labeled easygoing, it is a slippery slope to pushover. I have found that if you are consistently stern then kids know what to expect for not following the rules and the household stays in order. Do not send mixed messages. If kids, especially teenagers smell weakness in discipline, they will pounce. They will push the limits to see the demarcation point where easygoing turns into sternness and work from there as their starting point for rule-following.
Of course, cruelty for cruelty’s sake should never be allowable. Even sternness too, when present too often or when there is not even a “battle” being fought, can lead to your kids disliking you. So choose your battles wisely and when you are engaged, stay consistent and stern.
Love vs Fear
“[Machiavelli says,] if you cannot be both loved and feared, then it is better to be feared than loved. Men are generally fickle, afraid of danger, and greedy. When a prince benefits them, they will do anything for the prince, but when trouble comes, they will desert the prince. People will break ties of love if it is to their advantage, but fear of punishment they will never transgress.”
I know my kids love me. I know they do for sure. But, loving me does not stop them from doing things they know they should not. Never once when I was a kid did I say to myself that I was not going to say or do things I know I shouldn’t because I love my family. I stayed out of trouble because I was intimidated by the wrath of the men in my family and one aunt in particular. Similarly, my kids, will trade in their love for me and their Dad for extra time on the internet, gaming instead of studying, staying out later than they were supposed to and eating four cupcakes. Because kids are taught that parents will love them no matter what, it is easier for abandon that bond for something they want. Whereas fear of punishment, be it no television, no internet, no friends over or whatever the punishment, is tangible and rational. The consequence is something they can feel and comprehend its finality. They actually don’t fear you at all. They fear your yelling maybe, but they fear more that they will miss out on something their friends are talking about or a shopping trip where something awesome happened. Using the fear of punishment I have found is a very effective way to deal with my kids. I agree with Machiavelli here that rule adherence because of love is fair weather, especially when it comes to teens.
Virtue vs Deceit
“It is useful to seem to be virtuous, but you must be ready to act the opposite way if the situation requires it. A prince should do good if he can, but be ready to do evil if he must. Yet a prince must be careful to always act in a way that appears virtuous, for many can see you, but few know how you really are. If a ruler conquers and maintains his state, everyone will praise him, judging his actions by their outcome.”
So kids usually don’t know where the food in the refrigerator comes from nor do they know how much you paid for their back to school clothes. What they do know though is the difference between right and wrong. They know this because of the example you set and drilled into their cute little heads. If you deviate from the socially endorsed line between right and wrong, they will follow.
Virtue with children is important in raising them and when teaching them what side of the line to be on; thinking in particular about times when evil would be the first reaction to spring to mind. For instance, physical violence is a good test of the virtue of people. When you get physical with someone, it is a whole other level. Some parents can become wild animals when their children are attacked by another child. They want to retaliate, but they don’t. There is virtue in that. It teaches the child a lesson and it shows that the parent is able to maintain the “state” without having to resort to evil. I do agree with Machiavelli that kids do evaluate their parents’ performance by the outcome for them so it is best not to make promises of outcomes. Temper expectations so any positive outcome besides an “eye for an eye” will feel like a win.
As a parent, it is almost impossible for you to hide behavior that is less than virtuous because your kids are the manifestation of your values. No matter how good you think you are at hiding the evil side, the behavior of your children expose it virtually every time.
Avoiding being hated or despised
“A prince must avoid becoming hated or despised. Taking the property or the women of his subjects will make him hated. Being frivolous, indecisive, and effeminate will make him despised. All a prince's actions should show seriousness, strength, and decisiveness. The best defense against internal threats such as conspiracy is to be neither hated nor despised.”
I do agree with the concept and role of seriousness, strength and decisiveness in parenting, I just don’t agree with how each word is defined.
Strong parents give off the vibe that they know a lot while also admitting that they don’t know everything. Anything where you try to own the relationship or dialogue by being omniscient will come off as arrogance, not strength.
I believe that decisiveness in parenting does not mean you have to make decisions in the moment. You can think about it, but once the decision is made, deliver it and do not waffle in the face of argument. Seriousness to me is about clarity of importance. If you are choosing a battle to fight, let it be known that it was a choice. You have chosen to engage on this topic because it means something. It has serious impact in their lives either because it teaches a lesson or has a bigger effect that they know. Tone of delivery should match.
I do think showing love at these times when seriousness is called for can provide a flash of hope that they can push you over. What could be better than seriousness is empathy. Show understanding and identification. They will appreciate that you know what they are going through, but still know that it is not going to be tolerated.
There are many more themes in The Prince, but as I read through them, what I realized is that the similarities between parenting and a battle are surprising. Of course, there is not be violence, bloodshed or assassinations, but there is indeed tension, attempts to overthrow power, leaders and followers. My conclusion is that like many struggles, success comes to those who strike a good balance between extremes and are consistent in their approach so people always know what to expect. Leaning one way or the other is fine, but leaning too far one way will topple the leader. Playing in the middle may not seem to “win’ you the war in the moment, but over time it will gets parents the respect they need to properly run the kingdom and stay in power for as long as possible.