A few weeks ago a friend of mine celebrated the first birthday of her son. It was at a cute playroom on the east side of Manhattan. There was a full bar, awesome food, a DJ and their closest friends and family. It was drama-free and super fun for everyone. It made me feel terrible for my stepchildren.
The birthday parties of kids with divorced parents are a crap-shoot. Some parents are amicable, can put on a brave smile through gritted teeth and pet zoo animals until they are practically mooing themselves, while some parties only have one parent and one side of that parent’s family present. No matter what the scenario, especially those that have historically had both parents present post-divorce, everything changes when the new girlfriend or boyfriend shows up. So how do you burst or not burst on the birthday scene as the potential stepparent?
Prior to my arrival in their father’s life, my stepkids had only one birthday party that was hosted at their Mom's house by two uncomfortably divorced parents participating in and paying for the festivities. So when the first June my husband and I were dating rolled around and we started discussing with the kids just how we would celebrate their twin birthdays, I was in unfamiliar territory. The closest I came to a children’s birthday party before that discussion was day-drinking at the Frying Pan near Chelsea Piers' kid party space. In retrospect, I wish I knew how important the sanctity of the birthday party was to the first mother and the potential drama that comes with attending.
Now, knowing the pretty contentious relationship between my husband (then boyfriend) and his ex, I did not proactively inquire about attending my stepson’s birthday party with his friends. In fact, it did not even enter my mind because I assumed it would be at the first mom’s home as it always had been and it is just common sense that I would never go to nor into her house. I was wrong. TJ’s party was going to be at a laser tag zone - neutral territory- which gave him a sense of confidence that it would be okay to invite me, and invite me he did. He said, “You are coming to my birthday aren’t you? I really want you and Daddy there. Please come! It just won’t be good without you there and you are my friend.” He invited me and it was his birthday, it was at a public place, so of course I was going! My husband agreed and we marked our calendars.
Here are some things I wish I had known before I walked into the party.
· Be prepared for dirty looks from all of the Moms in the room. It’s natural for women, especially the first Mom’s friends to hate you even if they don’t know. When I showed up, the lasers were on full strength and they weren’t coming from the fake guns. Just don’t let it deter you from the mission which is to celebrate this wonderful kid.
· Don’t go near the ex. She wants to do her best to be in denial that you are actually there. In my case, she actually left her own son’s birthday party with his twin sister in tow right when we arrived, despite having the heads-up that I was coming. It is not a good time to try to extend an olive branch. Not today.
· Keep your personality as natural as possible. This isn’t Romper Room and you are not holding the Magic Mirror. Don’t go too over-the-top being involved in games or activities unless the kids ask you to. In that case, go for it and party on.
· Don’t worry that the kids can sense the tension. They don’t care. All they are thinking about is the birthday party high never exiting their bodies and loving every second of being with their friends. They won’t focus on drama, unless there is a completely obvious verbal conflict loud enough to stop the music.
· Try to cut out early, just after the cake. The parent pick-up is not the fun part nor one you want to be around for. Awkward.
· If the kids should ask you to come to their party, email their mom or have your boyfriend or husband do it. If the feedback is really ridiculously silly and threatening, then don’t go. Most importantly, do not show-up unannounced. Highest propensity for drama.
· Show-up with a buffer. In our case, we brought my husband’s parents. They were the go-between if there needed to be communication between my husband and his ex.
· Definitely take photos with the birthday boy or girl. You want them to remember you were there to support them on their special day.
· Finally, keep smiling. You are there to celebrate a little person who deserves all of the happiness in the world, so add to the positivity in the room.
The best part about going to even that one and only party, for me, was that I experienced that milestone with my stepson and saw his priceless expressions as his friends arrived. The downside is that attending sometimes causes more drama than good and those expressions can quickly become priceless for the wrong reasons.
If you ask TJ today, at 14, he says that he loved his laser tag birthday party when he was seven because it was the only one we were ever at and he was really happy about that. So, unless the ex throws an absolute fit, do what you think is right for the kids and be there for those memories. If there is potential for cake to fly then swallow the “I should be allowed to be there” pride and make a special day-after-your-birthday-extravaganza tradition where you extend their birthday one day every year. They will just love it and it will be your moment and yours alone to savor.